Zimbabwe To Announce Election Results Before Polls Open

In a bold move, officials in Zimbabwe today declared that they will be announcing the result of their upcoming presidential election, hours before people go to the polls.

This election has been heralded as one of the most corruption-free in the history of Zimbabwe, and this decision has brought about an out-pouring of jubilation.

"It just goes to show, we are now so free that our Government is able to tell us the result without us having to make the trek to the polling stations. It is truly a victory for democracy," a local man told our reporters this afternoon.

The news has been met with mixed reactions internationally; a Swedish official questioned the move, whereas both the U.S.A. and Russia were in agreement that this, indeed, is a victory for the people.

Local Love Island Lover Leaves Home

Carol 'Shaz' O'Brien, mother of five, lover of many, today told friends that the latest movie she went to see was "Wicked stupid bai". It was O' Brien's first outing from her family home in over two months, as she couldn't afford to risk missing any of the Love Island action. However, she told us that this has not affected her current job as a Full Time Mad Bastard.

"It's just great to see such meaningful relationships being created," O' Brien told us. "I think it gives all of us ladies, who haven't found the right man yet, hope. It appears as though Shaz has had quite a bit of misfortune in her own love life. "I dated the local drug-dealer for a few months and we had a baby, but he turned out to be abusive, I never would have guessed."

Fugees Finally Killed By His Love

It is with regret that we inform you of this tragic event. The Fugees, who's plea for help in the mid-90's  seemed to fall on deaf ears, have today been killed by an unknown man.

It is thought that the killing lasted for over twenty years, with the  perpetrator intentionally administering the deaths softly, and with his love.

More on this breaking story as we get it...

GAA Agree Not To Take Cut of Liam Miller Memorial Mass Collection Plate

In a show of immense generosity, the GAA has today confirmed that it will no longer be seeking to receive a cut of the collection at Liam Miller's memorial mass. The motion passed on a 51%/49% majority. Paddy Joe McMurphy, a long time GAA lover, and foreign sport hater, questioned the decision. "A bloody disgrace!", McMurphy mused.

The GAA will however, coincidentally, be holding a flag day with local youths handcuffed positioned outside the church. A spokesman for the GAA noted that, "This was our idea. We thought of it ourselves. The money will be going towards gold-plating the ceilings at GAA HQ and we ask the general public to contribute generously, or face public shaming". The Catholic Church added that this was a very worthy cause.